I noticed in the paper that Commissioner John Lengemann thinks Imlay City has too many squirrels. After much discussion last week, the matter was referred to City Manager Amy Planck to find out ways to deal with this "squirrel problem."
Here are some suggestions for Amy:
First, we need to do a "squirrel inventory" to determine if Imlay City does truly have an overpopulation of cute furry rodents. All squirrels would need to be caught, banded, separated by color, and sex to maintain an equal ratio of brown, black, gray and male/female squirrels.
Then a committee would have to be formed to determine the correct ratio of squirrels per block before any "thinning of the herd" can begin. Fences would have to be erected to keep city squirrels from straying to the township and vice-versa.
If it is determined that we do have an overpopulation of furry feet, these would be my suggestions for squirrel de-population:
•See if we can replace the squirrels with The Chipmunks so the city could get a portion of their recording contract.
•Contact Rocky J. Squirrel and see if we can get his
"moose friend" to lure the squirrels out of town with promises of being extras on his tv show.
•Hire a flautist, ala the Pied Piper of Hamlin. We could have the "Pied Piper of Barristers" with Lengemann and other local lawyers doing the tooting, while the squirrels follow them out of town, pausing to spend the night at his B&B.
•Have Tom Campbell put an ad in Woods-N-Water News and invite hunters to Imlay City for a special one day hunt, having hunters come from all over the state. No bullets, just butterfly nets and traps baited with acorns. Great promotion for downtown, under the auspices of the DDA, with squirrel recipes and squirrel-tail hats for the kids!
Or finally we could point the squirrels to where the real nuts are, city hall, for spending our city manager's time chasing tails!