March 18 • 10:21 PM

Email inbox reveals complexities of life

October 14, 2009
This, one of numerous email inbox subject lines in dozens of emails dodged daily in my inbox: (The subject lines are in order: 'From; subject; received.' For readability, I'll put a semi-colon after where/who they're from).

"IRS; Notice of Underreported Income 10:41 AM 6 KB." The 'IRS' really wants me bad. They send at least ten of these emails daily.

But it's no wonder I'm being hounded by them—crack email investigators that they are—another email informs me that I won the US Mega Millions jackpot, "$4536 USD!"

I dodge the investigation because I'm busy spending all that underreported loot as we speak. According to my email inbox I've "fixed orders" at a variety of stores. And it's a good thing, too. Because the inbox indicates I've got a complex that surely needs some fixing. I simply must buy fake Rolexes and other phony pricey timepieces because I'm really, really insecure about my shabby old watch and what it says about me. Oops! I don't even have a watch! That's giving me a big complex. I've just gotta order that look alike. The emails make it so easy: "(From) Lana Caudill; Solution for people who can't afford a classy watch. 12:11 PM 6 KB" That would be me, Lana.

"Terence Cochran; Elegant watches for people from economy class." Gee thanks, Terry.

"Williams Mims; Buy a V.I.P. watch at a very low price. 11:53 AM 7 KB" I'm depending on you, Wills.

"Clyde Nash; Get a decent watch you won't be ashamed of. 12:09 PM 5 KB" Clyde, ol' buddy, ol' pal I'm depending on you.

"Isidro Sylvester; Inexpensive watches for people who care about their look. 11:52 AM 6 KB."

Izzy, baby. I can't believe I made it through my entire life without an 'Isidro' or 'Sylvester' for a friend. Thanks for being the first!

Speaking of firsts, according to the email inbox, it appears I may need the assistance of...uhm... "male enhancement" products. These "no prescription necessary" drugs will, apparently, transform my life. I don't really know if I want to be transformed. It seems it would cost a lot of money. I don't even know I'm a man; don't even know that I want to be one, so the shrink bill alone would probably eat up all funds leaving little to none for the wonder pills.

Still, the email inbox tells me I must order, order, order right away. Here are a few examples: "Zoila Rosemary; Best Buy Viagra50mg/ 100mg x30=$79; x60=$179; x120=$218, Fast Shipping - 100% SATISFACTION, We accept Master & Visa, 90000+ Satisfied US, UK Customers! NoPrescription! pmadpz 7111:31 AM 7 KB"

and "Marylou Hobson; Our medicine is not afraid of distances we ship worldwide. 12:53 PM"

That's good to know.

The thing is, all these orders I'm placing at stores all over the planet aren't finding their way to my doorstep. I get so many emails from shippers with tracking numbers that I must verify and assist with ASAP so I can get my goods: "(From:) DHL Tracking Services; DHL Tracking Number CU3QTY8J 1:49 AM."

"DHL Services; DHL delivery problem number 6229 Thu 3:30 PM"

Problems, problems. This pesky earth and all of its troublesome roads are just too much sometimes. I have the power to remedy that with a few simple keystrokes. My credit card number, banking information, social security number, etc. is all they need to make sure I get every watch, prescription drug, lottery jackpot and even college degree. All I have to do is open the email "degree in any field."

"From: Joy Wade; Real University diplomas. 10:03 AM"

"Matthew Ledford; Degree in any field. Thu 10:22 PM"

I want a PhD. in Delete-ology. I earn it day after day after day.

Email Catherine at

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