July 15 • 10:50 PM

Quitting has never looked so good

July 15, 2009
If you're wondering where I am this week I'll just let you know right off the bat: I'm hiking the Appalachian trail...

Not really. I'm in the dark recesses of total blackness wondering with a zeal I've never known before if there will ever be any "news" again now that Michael Jackson has been buried ... or has he???

That's not the only burning question that remains about the King of Pop after the Over the Top Slop about his passing. Why, really, did he wear that glittery white glove? Perhaps it snowed on the left end of Neverland—it's hard to tell with the snowjob the media has been blanketing the airwaves with for the past couple of weeks. Where's the Zamboni? Or the dog sled out of all of the mushy, gushy mush? Why oh why did I get a converter box???

Maybe I should just rip it out of there ... just quit it!

You know, take a page from the "Book of Sarah." Palin that is. In her new position as the organizer of the "Iquitarod." I can't take credit for this reference either—I read it in a column in the Huffington Post. The columnist says he heard it from his daughter who read it on Twitter and then blogged it to him. Whatever. I want to sign up for that event. Right now, I feel like I could blow everyone—even Sarah—out of the water (or ice). I want to quit. Really I do!

First, though, in order to explain why quitting would be so noble and good, I'd have to get with Palin's speech writer. Then I'd obviously never have to work a day in my life ever again. After all, what talent it takes to make quitting a job that you were elected to do by people you love in a state you adore sound like you're doing it because it's really the best thing for them—not you, a true maverick who will have no more of "politics as usual." You betcha. That's a lot of talent! Quit I must! (Wink) Quitting is good! (Wink).

In order to remain remotely sane about this I must believe that a speech writer was responsible for Ms. Palin's exit remarks because it is nearly impossible for me to believe grown know...who an entire state—from which you could see Russia and all!—could come up with... like... "I quit because I'm 'wired' differently," and... believe it.)

Ms. Palin, thinking only of those she loves dearly and serves tirelessly, (you betcha!) says this in her exit speech: (I added no emphasis, this is from her Facebook page).

"My decision was also fortified during this most recent trip to Kosovo and Landstuhl, to visit our wounded soldiers overseas, those who sacrifice themselves in war for our freedom and security… we can ALL learn from our selfless Troops… they're bold, they don't give up, they take a stand and know that life is short so they choose to not waste time. They choose to be productive and to serve something greater than self...

"...And so as I thought about this announcement that I wouldn't run for re-election and what it means for Alaska, I thought about how much fun some governors have as lame ducks… travel around the state, to the Lower 48 (maybe), overseas on international trade—as so many politicians do. And then I thought—that's what's wrong – many just accept that lame duck status, hit the road, draw the paycheck, and "milk it". I'm not putting Alaska through that—I promised efficiencies and effectiveness! That's not how I am wired. I am not wired to operate under the same old "politics as usual." I promised that four years ago—and I meant it..."

Really she did! But what? Her oath of office to serve a four-year term? The "efficiencies and effectiveness" promise? Maybe she meant it about the "fun," "milking it" part. Maybe there's a milking clause in her contract. Perhaps she is morally (or legally) bound as a "lame duck" governor to have "fun" traveling the "Lower 48" just "milking it" her last year in office. You never know, things are a little different up there.

She really just wants to be like those "selfless Troops" who boldly don't give up and "choose to...serve something greater than self..." Which, in Sarah's definition apparently doesn't include the people of Alaska. Maybe it's not so great up there after all.

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