Share
August 18 • 09:58 PM
Email/Username:
Password:

Not-so-classified information from classified ads



shadow
shadow
October 22, 2008
Somebody told me those classified ads really work. So here goes...

LOST: Waistline. Vicinity of thirty-something and middle age. Dis-appeared in the early hours sometime between onset of hormonal surges and gray hair. Answers to sound of refrigerator opening. Crafty, elusive, can run faster than owner, who's been trying to catch up with it for years on treadmill. Somewhat touchy, but rarely upset. Beloved and desperately missed by closet full of size 5 clothes. If found...pass the potatoes — ur — grapefruit...and call...

...CALLING all miracle workers.Woman seeking a life wishes for freedom from vanity.Mirrors need not reply, scales strictly forbidden.Self-acceptance experience a plus.Reasurance optional. Magic bullets welcome...

...FREE: lots of miscellaneous items no longer needed — scraps of useless knowledge, old wounds, half-empty cups, frayed patience, disconnected emotions, harsh reality, babyish tears, bad hair days, tons of red flags—like new, never looked at....

...FOUND: black and white view of life. Square, pointy and slightly damp. New supplies daily, dumped off by disgruntled callers, anonymous writers, wounded individuals and those who know it all. Answers to questions only. Questions all answers...

...SEEKING key to life, or at least key to figuring out why some people insist on driving slow in left lane. Will pay top dollar or trade for big fat dose of sanity...

...MISSING: Patience. Stretched thin while driving behind someone going 35 on old M-21; almost invisible after bout with unexplained emails. Disappeared completely after hanging up the phone. Won't respond to name dropping, comparisons, anonymous accusations and/or threats of lawsuits...

...FOUND: Split personality. Easy going, peaceful, open, trusting, gullible until full moon, high tide, work related stress, slow drivers, deadline pressure appear. Suddenly flaming, suspicious, cautious, irritable, silent, no fun to be around. Answers to several names, depending on the time of day. Owner can reclaim at any time, no questions asked...please...

FOR SALE: Pen and paper, never used. Blank slate included, no additional charge for lack of ideas...

WANTED: Normalcy or at least reasonable facsimile or description of same. Will pay top dollar for even keel. Routine and even boredom a plus...

...NEEDED: Fresh ideas. Shape, size, feasibility not important. Potential for creativity, humor, poignancy, universality a plus, but not required. Must be in original package...

...RECREATIONAL VEHICLE, unique head-like shape. Easily driven to sense of humor but not so well traveled on road to relaxation. Minor adjustments necessary for optimal performance. Reliable, faithful, fairly low maintenance but regular check ups required. Burns high-tech corn, soy and grapevine based products. Will trade for mutual understanding...

...SWF fifty-something, seeks end to faster-better-brighter technology. Reality based upgrades not even remotely welcome. Searching for like-minded persons to form anti-technology cult aimed at unmasking its claims of improving life, lessening workloads, and ability to procure eharmonious loves of life. No techies, computer geeks, whiz kids, Microsoft employees. Neanderthals, persons with VCRs, plain old regular books, 1960s lifestyle with 1980s flair and ability to communicate without a keyboard welcome to respond...

...ADORABLE, irresistible seeds of joy. Guaranteed to sprout in light heart. Sprinkle with humor, fertilize with awareness and enjoy colorful blossoms on vine that reaches into hearts of all shapes and sizes. Universal, invasive, easy to cultivate. Spreads quickly in all types of human conditions, goes well with all lifestyles. Accessible with simple touch of open-mindedness. Abundant, always available. Free...

Castle Creek
Van Dyke Gas
08 - 18 - 17
09:58
Site Search


August
arrow
S M T W T F S
12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031
IC DDA
Almont DDA
IC Chamber
Thanks for visiting Tri City Times