May 26 ē 03:20 AM

Experimenting with ideas for experiment

March 26, 2008
I'm in a real quandry and I'm hoping someone out there can help me out.

I'm looking for an experiment. Preferably one that involves food. Or 24/7 vacations. Or young, deaf mute men...just kidding.

Anyhow, I really need to figure out exactly what it is I can study through experimentation so I can 1) make some cash without really working; 2) be famous; 3) quit working; 4) make some cash without really working and whatnot.

Take that 'Super Size Me' guy, for example. After pigging out on a Thanksgiving dinner a couple of years ago, he got a brilliant—if not exceedingly simple and somewhat absurd idea: Film the process of eating nothing but McDonald's foods three times a day each and every day for thirty days straight.

That's my kind of experiment, I tell you. The end result is fascinating. The documentary—directed, and produced by Morgan Spurlock (who was also the guinea pig)—is truly fascinating. It's entertaining and informative. Funny, even. Surprising, too. And it's launched Spurlock into semi-stardom. He's even going on a lecture circuit to school districts to educate and advocate for healthier alternatives in cafeterias.

Imagine. French fries and milk shakes every day, interspersed with McMuffins, sundaes, McNuggets and whatnot, round the clock for four weeks. What an experiment! Where do I sign up???

The thing is, he gained 30 pounds in the 30 day period, most of it within the first two weeks. His blood work alarmed doctors, his liver ended up looking like he'd been on the sauce for his entire life, his sex drive took a nosedive and his energy level was nonexistent. Not to mention that his psychological makeup resembled that of a crack addict by the time all was said and done (and eaten).

Still, I'm not put off by the concept. I want my own experiment.

The other day I got a press release from the Michigan Apple Committee entitled 'Eat More Apples, Weigh Less.'

Wait 'til you get a load of their experiment, the findings of which were reported in Nutrition magazine. Ladies, hang onto your hats, here it is:

"A 2003 Brazilian study reports that women who ate apples as part of a calorie-reduced diet program lost more weight that dieters who didn't eat apples," the press release says.

"The 2003 study...gave one group of women apples and another group oats," (yes, OATS. That's not a typo). "The women who ate apples showed a statistically significant amount of weight loss, while the group that ate oats lost little weight."

Suddenly I feel like I'm in a pasture...not to mention that this experiment holds much less appeal for yours truly than one involving french fries and milkshakes...or young, deaf mute men...just kidding.

Well, maybe not.

While I may not be an apples and oats sort of gal (or horse) I am a willing participant if the right experiment were to roll along. Let's see...

I wonder what would happen if I lay about in bed for 30 days reading books. Nah, great idea for brain development measurement but boring for video footage.

I know. What if I measure the effects of hot sauce with regard to swimming pools. I could lay around a sparkling pool in, say, Cancun, suck down margaritas and munch on quesidillas all day—spattered, of course, with generous amounts of various heat-level hot sauces. Then I could go for a dip in the pool and see how quickly I cool off before repeating the process all over again. That could work because the scenery would be gorgeous and all. Oops, I just remembered. I'd have to be wearing a bathing suit. Doubt it.

Okay. What about experimenting with fudge. I could go up north and visit all the quaint little fudge shops—including 'Murdick's,' my favorite in Charlevoix. The footage would be great, what with the quaintness and the lakes and all, and I could measure the effects of chocolate with regard to brain function...SHOOT. That's already been done.

What about potato chips? Are Better-Mades really better? Is it possible to eat just one Lay's? Is 'kettle cooking' really all that? And what is the nutritional value of that powdery orangey stuff called 'barbeque?' Is French onion dip better than ranch? I don't know about you, but I'm rather curious about all that. And I'd be getting plenty of vegetables and dairy. I just need to come up with a catchy title...and the guts to pitch the idea to ol' Super Size Spurlock. I bet he'd go for it.

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